Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
