Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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