Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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