i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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