Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I think my fart just growled at me.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
