I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
