Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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