How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
