I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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