boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
