I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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