he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
