but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I am available for nakedness
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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