His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
