What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
