He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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