if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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