Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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