Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
