umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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