Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
