Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
