I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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