May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
