I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
