Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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