As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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