i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
