I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
