He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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