glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.