Can i not drive my cunt home
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough