she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
