and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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