She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
