There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
