just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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