the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
