If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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