i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
