So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
