I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
The best revenge is premature balding
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
