Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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