Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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