i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
