Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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