we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
you win again, gameday.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
