You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
