why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
