the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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