Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
