I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
