So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
